I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
