So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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