walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
