man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
