Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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