even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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