i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
