I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
You are a genius and a whore.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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