Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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