remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
