Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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