you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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