The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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