i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
