Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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