If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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