is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
