Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
