you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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