Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize