Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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