you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
