I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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