That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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