shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
