sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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