I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
