It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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