You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
