Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
