look no pants
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
