She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Found your dick twin last night
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
