Say something about gay babies.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
