i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
