Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
