his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Drake has all the answers
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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