I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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