You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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