my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
