gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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