one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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