woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
