There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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