I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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