By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
