You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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