The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
