Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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