mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Who died my cat blue again?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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