he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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