I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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